He Said He Loved It

So as I’m scrolling through Instagram, (which I find myself doing too much in this season, but I’m not judging myself, I’m giving me grace … end rant), I came across this story and it was 7 Reasons We Self Sabotage, by Sara Kuburic and I replied to the story with a sad face emoji 😒

I said, “I used to be really good at that.”
He said, “I love self sabotaging behavior.”
I responded, “I think everyone does in the moment.”

This is so funny to me (not haha funny) because I use to love it too (it’s a struggling addiction)! Yet, back then I didn’t realize what it was. I’d start projects and never finish them, I’d convince myself that no one cared if I kept pushing out content. I didn’t understand that I was sabotaging myself or why I was doing it, when essentially I kept “ghosting” my purpose.

When you’re avoiding the growing places, distractions feel good. Really good. Like forbiddenly (is that a word? I don’t think so, but), forbiddenly pleasing.

For example, I’m not a huge social media person, but if I have a deadline it’s ‘all of a sudden’ my favorite place to be. In all honesty, it’s the reason why this is a Friday blog and not a Thursday blog.
As much as I understand this, it doesn’t take away the urge to do it anyway. Operating on a well I’ll just do it later, procrastinator mindset. I’ll stay up longer, I’ll wake up earlier. I create this superwoman persona and when I can’t handle the immense amount of pressure I place on myself, I have worse habits like ditching the assignment completely and coming back way too close to a deadline. Insert more pressure. How much does it take to break?
Wait, let’s pause here and go over some of these reasons, shall we?

  • We don’t believe we deserve better
  • We lack self awareness
  • We are focused on instant gratification
  • We have seen self sabotage modeled in our family
  • It is how we learn to cope with stress of the unknown
  • We are afraid of rejection or failure that may come from changing our behavior
  • We feel more in ‘control’ when engaging with familiar patterns — even if they are harmful

I can identify with many of these! It’s my responsibility to acknowledge the behaviors and choose what to do next.
Let’s talk about what it is not:

  1. This is not a reason to beat up on yourself.
  2. This is not a reason to over correct.

I’m the type of person who acknowledges something and if I want to change it, I do it immediately. One example of how I use to over correct with SM is to delete the whole app πŸ˜…. After a convo with my friend I realized it was a little dramatic, but it worked lol… I got through this blog by silencing all notifications for SM, see… progress! 😁

With individuals I have this conversation with, the most common reason they have for self sabotaging is because they don’t think they’ll receive the proper support.
I use to be that person too, but what I’ve come to realize is it’s not my responsibility to take on that weight. It’s not fair for me to pressure myself into carrying that.

What I know now is this… I know at least one person will read this, and that’s you, and that’s all of the support I need. I know I’ve come far in releasing the urge to self sabotage, but I also understand that this is a marathon, and not a sprint!
So, you, the one who made it to the end… you my friend will be okay. If you identify with the struggle, I offer for your consideration to find small ways to correct without overwhelming yourself. Bottom line is that I’m praying for you and I’m praying for me too! We’ll both make it to the finish line.

Finally I told him, “looking back though, the stagnant places make sense.”
Identify these time markers, then stop feeding the behavior. There is greater fruit waiting to be consumed.

Before I let you all go, the Land of UnPopularity Podcast is live and on multiple streaming platforms. I’m still waiting for a few of them, but its definitely available for you to listen. (This was on of the things I previously abandoned with my self-sabotaging behavior). So far we have a couple episodes and some Psalms scripture readings, if you want to check it out then click here.

2 Timothy 1:7 KJV

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind

Love,

Komplex Simplicity

To the reader, I love you.
To the creative, I am inspired by you.
To the thinker, I am learning from you.
To the doer, I am encouraged by your fearlessness.

The Marathon Continues…

She Said Stay Humble

I have been extremely blessed. I have incredible siblings, supportive friends, even some of my coworkers have crossed that line, making them…more. They push me, they believe in me, they are looking forward to my greater…

Am I a shy person… not really, but am I starting the conversation, probably not. I ride a really fine line, especially when I’m alone, but God has strategically placed extroverts in my life lol. They are the best, while being wildly annoying at the same time. I can’t count how many times I’ve been somewhere and one of them randomly tells someone I’m a spoken word artist while I’m minding my own business in the corner of the conversation.

“Oh wow. Let me hear something.” They always say this or they ask me if I know a poet who is widely known across YouTube or other SM outlets. *Enter sinking stomach here* Depending on where I am, I politely decline, but more times than not I follow up with, “what do you want to hear a poem about?” As if I don’t primarily write about my faith or social activism. Every now and then I write something that doesn’t quite fit in those categories, but…

OR, if I’m with someone close enough to have a favorite piece of mine, I’ll let them choose.
My little sister for example, loves “You Are” (a piece in my book). I struggle to remember it but keep it just at the edge of my memory in the event that I need to recall. One of my coworkers always says, “Do the basketball piece!” (“Win, When”) lol.

Recently, this exact scenario happened 😩.
I felt πŸ˜„πŸ˜πŸ™„πŸ˜©πŸ€’πŸ‘€πŸ˜¬πŸ™ƒ all at the same time.

I did the piece…

I am so absolutely sure of my gift, that never changes. God gave it to me, I give it to His people, in a show of faith that it will be given back to Him in increase. BUT, every so often I meet someone and I value their opinion, I want their feedback, and the waiting between my last word and their first word feels like insanity.

I know myself, and because of that I had to learn early on to NOT rely on these opinions to keep me whole. That I know the truth about who I am. That it’s okay to not be liked lol.

But she said I should stay humble… that she could tell I was bright, a thinker. That I understood the importance of listening before I speak. (As a middle child and first born simultaneously, I’ve learned to play my position well lol). She said, I was going to make a difference. She, encouraged me. And encouragement for me is a strange beast.

Encouragement wraps around the throat of fear, severing the connection of fleshly doubt.
I walk taller, my pen moves faster, I am refreshed, renewed, and I temporarily close the door shut on rebellion.

So, in this time, let me encourage you…

Only you know exactly where you are, only you know why you are holding yourself back. Is it fear? Is it doubt? Frustration maybe? You don’t want to be open? Vulnerable? You don’t want to be rejected? Maybe no one will like it?

May I offer for your consideration that, someone will love it! That there is someone waiting for that idea that’s been sitting in your head. That maybe even though someone has done it, no one has ever done it like you.

I’ve been there, trust me! Most of my post are nothing more than me opening myself for the internet. Every blog, every spoken word piece, they mean something. You know what I also know? That I’m somebody’s favorite poet. I’m somebody’s favorite (although inconsistent) blogger. I’m somebody’s favorite podcast host. And on and on and on. You are somebody’s favorite too! Give them a reason to let you know and when they do, remember to stay humble too.

2 Corinthians 11:30 CSB
30 If boasting is necessary, I will boast about my weaknesses.

Love,

Komplex Simplicity

To the reader, I love you.
To the creative, I am inspired by you.
To the thinker, I am learning from you.
To the doer, I am encouraged by your fearlessness.

P.s. Shout out to My Friend, my favorite Hair Stylist ❀

He Said I Was Hope

I remember it so vividly because it was one of the greatest compliments I’ve ever received. August 2019, a month that changed my life forever. Summer 2019 really, but… I remember the sincerity in his voice, the look of gratitude in his eyes, and immediately I was reminded that my purpose isn’t just about me. Five minutes prior, I was doing a spoken word piece, standing in front of a room I hadn’t been prepared to stand in front of when I woke that morning.

I remember struggling not to let a tear drop, not to shrug off the compliment, not to push aside the feeling of “wow.” This man didn’t know me, but in the two minutes and forty five seconds it took me to pour out my soul in word form, he made a connection. Identified something in my words that propelled him to speak to me. I struggled with this. I… struggle with this.

What did I say that made him identify? When did he feel like he had to say something? What part of my story felt like his, to him? Why am I so in my head? Why can’t I just take a compliment? Where in life did I forget that I’m unapologetically dope. Humbly speaking, of course!

I wanted to be what he called me. Wanted to be the hope dealer, slanging it on blocks of despair. Rewinding desperation in preparation for something better, hope… he said, “don’t stop speaking.” I nodded. Loss for words. Quiet. Back inside my head. Insert introvert here. He was excited. “Do you do this often?” Here and there was my reply.

I was so uncomfortable! They always expect me to be chatty afterwards. Chats are reserved for family and close friends, often in the form of word vomit from the amount of time I spend alone. Soaking in the alternate realities I paint in my mental, coloring visions of my tomorrow, while calculating the distance it took to get from my reality to the one I just created, my mind isn’t always the safest space. I smile… I laugh… often. More to reassure who I’m speaking with, mastering the balance between small toothless smiles and expressionless. Can you be hope and be an actor at the same time?

He told me that I’d write history. Poets do that. Artist do that. Creatives do that. Make suffering palatable. Bring beauty to broken. Hope to despair, I was going to be an orator for my generation. I already am? Insert God moment here.

Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth

The greatest creator of all time. And I, and we, made in His image will too create. Not always fruitfully, but to not acknowledge where it was birthed from is… _____________!

I’m extremely hard on myself. That’s why the compliment was difficult to accept. His words reminded me of my responsiblity to my gift, and I wish I could thank him. This stranger who could have no idea that six months later, I’d be writing about him.

My point is, being uncomfortable is like soil to growth. It prepares for change. I grew. Becoming what he encouraged that day. I AM hope. For myself, for my people, and for the lives God will have me to inspire. Are you hope? Are you love? Are you peace? The way you live, the fruit you bear, what would someone say of you? Deep inside, who are you? And even more, who do you want to be?
Blessings on that journey.

Romans 12:12 CSB
12Β Rejoice in hope;Β be patient in affliction;Β be persistent in prayer.

Love,

Komplex Simplicity

To the reader, I love you.
To the creative, I am inspired by you.
To the thinker, I am learning from you.
To the doer, I am encouraged by your fearlessness.

Better

January first, I was talking to my nephew on the phone. We spoke about the Holidays, the gifts he received, the short family vacation (that I missed), and about his plans for the new year. While we don’t believe in resolutions, I asked what he would do differently this year, and he said, “Auntie, I want to be better.”

He wanted to achieve better goals at school, he wanted a better hold on his emotions, and he wanted to help the homeless. He wanted to just, be better! My nine year old nephew (eight at the time) had better life goals than half of my Facebook feed, who vowed to have their bodies ready for summer for the fifth year in a row. And I was speechless… Acknowledging the tall order for a child his age, but also encouraging the greatness in him, I let him know that he could achieve what he spoke and followed through with.

That conversation made me question my “better.” Did I want to be better? Was I going to speak the things that I wanted to accomplish, then follow it up with action? Was I going to produce good fruit this year? Prayerfully. It would be easy for me to throw yes on this and then leave it here, but honestly, and I can’t speak for anyone else, I get complacent. Not with physical location, but in the sense that I feel like I “do enough.”

So here I am, 31 days into the new year, posting on a blog I all of abandoned over the years, wondering if anyone survived my disappearing act.

I remember when this was my second love of writing. When I didn’t have to outline, set dates, or schedule posts. When I was simply committed to speaking my truth the only way I knew how, consistently.

My point is, as children we are so fearless of our dreams. We speak what we desire, without fear of being laughed at, mocked or harrassed. We don’t care what it sounds like to other people because it makes sense to us. What can you do better? How can you be better? What desires are you afraid to speak out loud because they might actually begin the birthing process? How committed are you really?

2020 has ALREADY been life changing for me, so I encourage you to find your life changing. Plant new seeds, water seeds you’ve already planted, walk in the harvest, and find your better.

Hebrews 10:24-25 CSB
24 And let us watch out for one another to provoke love and good works, 25 not neglecting to gather together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day approaching.

Blessings,

Komplex Simplicity

To the reader, I love you.
To the creative, I am inspired by you.
To the thinker, I am learning from you.
To the doer, I am encouraged by your fearlessness.

What are you Chasing?

Hey Fam,

This Monday, May 13th, my cohost and I will be launching Chasing Light. Chasing Light is a podcast focusing on faith, art, and what it’s like to navigate those spaces as a millennial in 2019. Do you have to be a millennial to listen? Absolutely NOT!

We all have things in life that we’re chasing. On the podcast, we talk about chasing light, but what are you chasing personally?

Outside of light, I’m chasing love and truth, which essentially is the same thing as light. Light being Christ, but in those areas I find myself creating expectations of what that looks like in practice. I want my truth to be respected and transparent, I want my love to be unconditional.

While there are other things I want in life, such as success and wealth. Those things are not motivating factors for why I do what I do. I do it because I’m purposed to, and above all, I find satisfaction in that.

Life can be unpredictable and beautiful and strange and sad, but we push forward knowing that no one emotion lasts forever. In my quest for living my absolute BEST life, I have found that love, truth, and gratitude can change the world; just as it has changed my world.

So, let me know what you’re chasing. I’d love to talk to you about it! I love you all and I leave you with this…

1 John 3:18 CSB
Little children, we must not love in word or speech, but in deed and truth

Thanks again, God bless and One love.
-Quellz (Komplex Simplicity)

PS Happy mother’s day!
PSS I teach small groups on Sunday at 930am to close out my 2 part lesson. I’ve love to see you at Faith Mission Ministries if you’re in the Clarksville area.

%d bloggers like this: