Can I Be Honest?

I. Am. Struggling.

I’ve given up on pinpointing why because it could be a myriad of things. It could be grief visiting, trauma of bodies brutalized on TV, it could be stress, it could be depression stopping by to see if it could live with me. It could literally be everything… or I could just be tired from the changes in my life, it could be nothing.

Yet, I. Am. Struggling.

I’ve done well to notice when, “I don’t feel like myself” is settling in. It feels like I’m at a party and there is no music, no sound, no ambient noise, just nothingness. I don’t know if I want to be there, I don’t know if I should leave, I just am. Silent. Still. Indifferent. There’s nothingness. I learned a few years ago to not hide behind it. Not feeling anything sometimes feels good to me and I don’t like that.

So I told on myself.

Humans are interesting. The bio, psycho, social of their intricacies causes for different reactions. I imagine if their responses is what they’d tell themselves. “Pray and Push.” “Take the time you need.” “Hold space for yourself.” “Have you prayed?” “I’m glad you noticed it early.”

None of it really helps, but I’m glad they’re supporting me. It’s great that they’re listening.

I find myself trying to reassure everyone else that I’m okay… I like dreaming in color, yet I’m no stranger to shades of grey. So I pray in rainbows, allowing the promises of God to call into remembrance of what’s for me. Knowing that surviving 100% of my bad days is a constant reality. I. Am. Not. Okay, but I will be.

There is so much I could leave you with, but I choose to leave you with hope. To leave myself with hope. To let the tears flow gracefully when they’ve escaped tear ducts to fall upon my face. To relish in the blessings of being granted a new day.

To smile, to laugh, to feel all the things. Literally to just keep feeling… anything.

I love you all and I’ll leave you with this, the first was given to me and latter I had to remind myself.

Isaiah 41:10 KJV

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.


Philippians 4:6-8 CSB

Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.


Komplex Simplicity

To the reader, I love you.

To the creative, I am inspired by you.

To the thinker, I am learning from you.

To the doer, I am encouraged by your fearlessness.

2 responses to “Can I Be Honest?”

  1. This, my friend, is lovely. It’s brave. It’s uplifting and it’s appreciated. Thank you for sharing you. Thank you for being you unapologetically. You are dope! You are loved!


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