He Said He Loved It

So as I’m scrolling through Instagram, (which I find myself doing too much in this season, but I’m not judging myself, I’m giving me grace … end rant), I came across this story and it was 7 Reasons We Self Sabotage, by Sara Kuburic and I replied to the story with a sad face emoji 😢

I said, “I used to be really good at that.”
He said, “I love self sabotaging behavior.”
I responded, “I think everyone does in the moment.”

This is so funny to me (not haha funny) because I use to love it too (it’s a struggling addiction)! Yet, back then I didn’t realize what it was. I’d start projects and never finish them, I’d convince myself that no one cared if I kept pushing out content. I didn’t understand that I was sabotaging myself or why I was doing it, when essentially I kept “ghosting” my purpose.

When you’re avoiding the growing places, distractions feel good. Really good. Like forbiddenly (is that a word? I don’t think so, but), forbiddenly pleasing.

For example, I’m not a huge social media person, but if I have a deadline it’s ‘all of a sudden’ my favorite place to be. In all honesty, it’s the reason why this is a Friday blog and not a Thursday blog.
As much as I understand this, it doesn’t take away the urge to do it anyway. Operating on a well I’ll just do it later, procrastinator mindset. I’ll stay up longer, I’ll wake up earlier. I create this superwoman persona and when I can’t handle the immense amount of pressure I place on myself, I have worse habits like ditching the assignment completely and coming back way too close to a deadline. Insert more pressure. How much does it take to break?
Wait, let’s pause here and go over some of these reasons, shall we?

  • We don’t believe we deserve better
  • We lack self awareness
  • We are focused on instant gratification
  • We have seen self sabotage modeled in our family
  • It is how we learn to cope with stress of the unknown
  • We are afraid of rejection or failure that may come from changing our behavior
  • We feel more in ‘control’ when engaging with familiar patterns — even if they are harmful

I can identify with many of these! It’s my responsibility to acknowledge the behaviors and choose what to do next.
Let’s talk about what it is not:

  1. This is not a reason to beat up on yourself.
  2. This is not a reason to over correct.

I’m the type of person who acknowledges something and if I want to change it, I do it immediately. One example of how I use to over correct with SM is to delete the whole app 😅. After a convo with my friend I realized it was a little dramatic, but it worked lol… I got through this blog by silencing all notifications for SM, see… progress! 😁

With individuals I have this conversation with, the most common reason they have for self sabotaging is because they don’t think they’ll receive the proper support.
I use to be that person too, but what I’ve come to realize is it’s not my responsibility to take on that weight. It’s not fair for me to pressure myself into carrying that.

What I know now is this… I know at least one person will read this, and that’s you, and that’s all of the support I need. I know I’ve come far in releasing the urge to self sabotage, but I also understand that this is a marathon, and not a sprint!
So, you, the one who made it to the end… you my friend will be okay. If you identify with the struggle, I offer for your consideration to find small ways to correct without overwhelming yourself. Bottom line is that I’m praying for you and I’m praying for me too! We’ll both make it to the finish line.

Finally I told him, “looking back though, the stagnant places make sense.”
Identify these time markers, then stop feeding the behavior. There is greater fruit waiting to be consumed.

Before I let you all go, the Land of UnPopularity Podcast is live and on multiple streaming platforms. I’m still waiting for a few of them, but its definitely available for you to listen. (This was on of the things I previously abandoned with my self-sabotaging behavior). So far we have a couple episodes and some Psalms scripture readings, if you want to check it out then click here.

2 Timothy 1:7 KJV

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind

Love,

Komplex Simplicity

To the reader, I love you.
To the creative, I am inspired by you.
To the thinker, I am learning from you.
To the doer, I am encouraged by your fearlessness.

The Marathon Continues…

Published by iamkomplexsimplicity

God is Simple. Life is Komplex. Author. Poet. Spoken Word Artist. Blogger. Lyricist.

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