I pray that everyone’s thanksgiving weekend went great!
So imagine this… you’re in front of a crowd of people about 2 1/2 minutes into your set and the words that you’re speaking disappear in your mind. So now you’re standing there, staring at the crowd and watching the crowd stare back at you. They have looks of expectations, waiting for you to finish… that happened to me last night. It was the longest 36 seconds of my life. Mind you, I had recited the exact same poem 7 1/2 hours before with no problem.
I could blame it on the fact that I was mad tired, or that I found out my niece had been throwing up and I didn’t know she was allergic to eggs, or that my friends (who were on their way to the event to see me speak) got into a car accident on the way… no matter the reason, I wasn’t focused. Usually before I speak, there’s a sort of calm nervousness that takes over, but once I start I’m in a zone… that didn’t happen.
Those 30 seconds were the most peaceful and chaotic my brain has ever been. One part of me was screaming “keep talking!” While the other part insisted on trying to find the words. So there I was… deer in the headlights, drowning out the encouragements from the crowd insisting that it was okay… I’ve never been in that position before, and I hope I’m never in that position again!
Anyway, I eventually got through the piece and did one more, even though originally, I was prepared to do two more. At that point I just wanted to finish strong. So I sat back in my seat feeling detached, disappointed, maybe a little angry at myself…
Afterwards, the fam kept asking if I were okay. In the back of my head I’m thinking, “no, but please stop asking.” Buuuttt what came out of my mouth was, “yeah. I’m good.” I wanted so bad to retreat to that place of detachment and numbness that I have worked so hard to climb out of. The crazy thing is, I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I was accused of “shutting down.” And maybe you think I’m being over dramatic, but in the expectations I set for myself, that situation wasn’t there.
Dear Ms. Headlights,
It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You’re human, and humans aren’t perfect. It isn’t okay to shut out the people you love, and it isn’t okay to use that non-emotional space you crawled out of as a protective fortress. Grow from this experience and carry on.
So to the people I “shut out” last night, I apologize. Please know that it wasn’t intentional, but sort of a knee Jerk reaction that I’m still working on breaking. Also, a note for you all (lol) I’m significantly more “emotionally mature” when I’m writing, so maybe a note or a text asking if I’m okay would produce a less… robotic answer.(Smile)
To everyone else, it’s okay to fail… to fall, to trip… just get back up! In my immaturity, I had no plans of posting a blog today, but I’m finished with my dramatic tantrum (lol).
Last thing. I think I’ll actually hold on to that feeling of disappointment and use it as a catalyst for my progression. Cause honestly I know that the only way to keep going after you trip is perseverance. So anyway… I love you all and I leave you with this…
Proverbs 24:16 NLT
The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. But one disaster is enough to overthrow the wicked.
Thanks again, God bless and One love.
-Quellz (komplex simplicity)